1. That she isn’t the best I’ve been with in bed.
“Of all the girls I’ve dated seriously, not one has ranked in the top five I’ve been with, sexually speaking. Still waiting to meet a blowjob pro who’s wife material.”
— Reggie, 26
2. That I’ve paid for sex before.
“If my girl knew I’d slept with a hooker, or that I got a rub-and-tug once (and probably will again one day), she’d think I was dirty or something. As if I’m too stupid to double bag it.”
— Phil, 28
3. That I’m obviously getting a lap dance if I’m going to a strip club.
“It’s funny how easy it is to convince a woman that you were the only one who didn’t get a lap dance at the strip club. They want to believe you’re on your best behavior at every bachelor party—as if that were even possible—so you might as well feed them the bait they’re begging for.
— Tom, 32
4. That I watch way more porn than she thinks.
“If my girlfriend knew how often I watched porn, she’d start balling. She once mentioned a study that said people who watch more than ten hours a week are sex addicts or something. I mean, c’mon….”
— Brad, 22
5. That I’m into some porn that would freak her out.
“From my experience, the female sex isn’t programmed to understand why a guy digs the kinky shit he gets of off to. Personally, I’ve got a thing for Japanese game show porn. If my girlfriend ever knew, she’d definitely be weirded out.”
— Eddie, 23
6. That I’d like more blowjobs.
“Every guy on Earth wishes he could get more head. Why wouldn’t he? The problem is that asking for a blowjob is like sitting in a rocking chari—it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”
— Carl, 30
7. That I dropped the L-bomb prematurely to get her to have sex with me.
“Listen, I love my girlfriend. I do. But did I love her when I first said it? Not really. A man will do what a man has to to get laid.”
— Jeremy, 35
8. That my ex is a decent person.
“My girlfriend and I once ran into my ex on campus. Later that day, I casually mentioned to my girl that my ex was looking great—happy, you know, and fit. Fuck, that was a mistake. Doesn’t matter how nice or good-looking a person your ex is. Do not compliment them in front of your girl.”
— Joey, 20
9. That I think her best friend’s totally fuckable.
“My girlfriend’s best friend has incredible tits and she knows how to show those things off. Obviously I like it when she’s around. But I keep that shit to myself. I’ll even agree with my girlfriend if she says her friend dresses too slutty or whatever.”
— Geoff, 28
10. That I’m not all that respectful when I talk about women with my male friends.
“When guys hang out, we like to talk about girls—how and why we want to fuck them, you know. And we’re definitely not using the most politically correct language. Every woman’s better off never overhearing what her man wishes he could do to his favorite slutty barista.”
— Josh, 32
11. That I know exactly when she’s about to get her period based on the way she acts.
“The thing about a lady’s cycle is that it’s predictable, right? Doesn’t matter. You can track the emotional swings all you want for your own sake but if you ever mention that a woman might be taking something a little too personally because it’s her time of month—god bless you, man.
— Marc, 29
12. That she spends way too much time getting ready.
“My girl primps for two hours minimum before a night out. I know she’s doing all sorts of stuff with her hair and face and she always ends up looking good, but the end result doesn’t justify the energy that goes into it in my opinion. You’d think it’s a compliment to tell someone they shouldn’t waste their time on makeup or whatever, but no. I almost got dumped for that one.”
— Erik, 33
13. That we don’t really need more alone time as a couple.
“After a certain point in any long-term relationship I’ve been in, the girl I’m seeing starts saying ‘we need to spend more time together,” or whatever. I don’t know if it’s because they’re feeling restless or agitated or needy or what. But I do know that the way to respond isn’t to say that you’re totally cool with the amount of time you’re spending alone already. Always pretend you’re up for more. Always.”
— Larry, 31
14. That I’m all over her because someone else turned me on.
“Sometimes, a guy comes home horny because he saw someone hot on the street, or he was flirting with his coworker earlier in the day and things got a little heated. Perfectly natural to get turned on by someone other than your girlfriend and then go home to fuck her; not always necessary to explain whyyou’re jumping her bones the minute you walk through the door.
— Alex, 24
15. That I can tell she’s put on a few pounds.
“It doesn’t bug me when my girl gains a few pounds. I kind of like it, actually. She always looks good naked. But I’m not dumb enough to believe a man can say something like ‘love it that you’re a little softer on the sides’ without getting smacked in the face.”
— Derek, 25
16. That I’d much rather stay home and smoke weed than do date night.
“Date night is basically dinner out with a different name. Truthfully, I’d always rather stay home, smoke weed, and order food—it’s cheaper, and definitely more fun. My girlfriend definitely doesn’t need to know that.”